My Boyfriend, the Joker
by seditionary
Summary: A plain jane bank clerk muses on her relationship with the Joker. He's a real sweetie, most of the time...loosely TDK based. Some mature content,language.
1. Part One: How We Met

**A/N: I started on this little story after hearing that Heath won the Golden Globe. It's just a small tribute to the fun I've had following his performance in the Dark Knight. It'll probably be just a one-shot, but you let me know what you think.**

**Thanks,**

**Seditionary**

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**My Boyfriend, the Joker**

Hey...don't I know you? Sure, you're, uh...now, just a minute... sorry, I'm reeeally bad with names, it'll come to me..._Jesse, _right? No? Oh, sorry...I thought I recognized you. You sure you don't recognize me? Well, that's not surprising, I'm nobody, really. Ha, the Joker tells me that all the time. Oh, not in a bad way--it's kind of a compliment, coming from him. Oh, let me explain, my boyfriend's the Joker, I should have told you that before, huh?

He just means, I'm not one of those rich society bitches he hates so much, or one of those high powered district attorneys, or police commissioners or something. Just a plain, normal little bank clerk, nothing special or interesting about me. Well, other than the fact that my boyfriend is the Joker, I guess that's kind of interesting, but I mean as far as he's concerned, I'm just a regular gal. He says he likes that, can you imagine? A guy like him falling for a plain Jane like me? Go figure....

No, you wouldn't recognize me unless...did we go to school together? East Gotham High? No? I went to Gotham Community College for a couple of semesters--? No? Hmm. I could swear I know you.

Yeah, the _Joker! _I know! He's really notorious, isn't he? Hard to believe that someone like me, just a common, ordinary little person, clipping coupons, doing my own taxes, riding the subway every day, would be involved with someone exciting like that! Believe me, I'm just as surprised as you are. But, it's a funny story...hey, am I bothering you? No? You sure? Well, tell me if I am, the Joker says I talk too much, although he's quite the talker himself, I don't know where he gets off saying _I _talk too much...you really want to hear about how we met? Well, it's funny, like I said....

I was at work, just a normal day, you know? Although it _was_ pretty busy, I had a super long line, and we were short-handed. I really hate that, when we're short-handed. I swear, people call in all the time and they're not even sick! No sense of responsibility. You know, when I was in school, I got perfect attendance almost every year...what? Oh, yeah, how we met, well, so, it was real busy that day....

All of a sudden, these guys come in wearing clown masks! It was so crazy! Pretty smart, though, I mean, if you're going to rob a bank, wearing masks is a good idea 'cause then they can't tell who you are from the security footage. 'Course, it didn't make much difference to most of those guys, they didn't live long enough for anyone to go chasing after 'em, but you know what I mean.

Anyway, the Joker...yeah, he's got brass balls, that one. He took his darn mask off, shows himself to the camera on purpose! Of course, he had make up on under it. Clown makeup, yeah. Why...? I don't know why, I never asked. Just kind of his thing, I guess. Anyway, I was cowering behind the counter, and just as he was about to leave--he had this big old yellow school bus that crashed into the bank as his getaway car, can you believe that?

Well, he decides he needs to use the john, so he leans over my counter and asks where the toilet is! Isn't that nuts? So, I told him, and he gave me this incredible smile--really cute--and says "I can't take a chance on someone doing something stupid while I'm in the can, baby, so _you're_ comin' with _me_...", and he like, reaches way down, grabs my arm, and yanks me up halfway over the counter like I was a rag doll, but the funny thing is, once he gets his hands around my waist to pull me the rest of the way over, he's suddenly all gentle with me.

He grabs my arm and shows everyone he's got a gun and points it at my head, and drags me with him into the john! So, I have to stand there while he takes a pee. Awkward!! But, he wasn't modest at all, and I have three, count 'em, _three_ brothers, so it's not like I was seeing something new, you know. And he was real nice about it, he didn't wave his dick around or any of that juvenile stuff, just took care of business and that was that. I mean, when you gotta go, you gotta go, right?

Anyway, long story short, he takes me back out into the lobby and kind of pushes me down to the floor, kneels down with the gun in my face and says, "Say, gorgeous, what's your name?", and I say, Andrea, but everyone calls me Andy, and he says "Well, I'll see you around, Andy" and I say, "Ok", and he hops in his bus and leaves.

Well, I never thought I'd see him again. I mean, what are the odds? But the next day, the _very_ next day, I was leaving for lunch and this car stops and this guy jumps out and grabs me and shoves me into the back seat. Freakin' scary! But, once I quit screaming, I realize, there's a guy sitting back there, and lo and behold, it's the Joker!! I couldn't freakin' _believe _it! So, I'm all like, hey, you're that bank robber guy, and he's like, yeah, I couldn't stop thinking about you, baby, and I'm like, well, I thought about you too, 'course mostly because I thought he'd be dead by now with every cop in Gotham on his tail, but also, that smile....yeah, we kind of hit it off, him and me, I guess.

So, he says, you want to get some coffee or something, and I'm like, well, maybe, but I have to be back at work in 45 minutes, and is this a kidnapping kind of thing or what? and he says, no, he just didn't think it would be a good idea to waltz back into the bank the very next day after robbing it, and I just said "Oh." I mean, that makes sense, right? So, I said, sure I'd like to get some coffee, but I don't even know your name, and he says "You can call me Joker", which is an odd thing to be called, but whatever. So, he had his guy drive us to this coffee shop, _way_ out of the way, and I say "I'm never going to get back to work on time" and he just laughs.

Now, I'm not a fancy coffee drinker, let me tell you. Give me a plain old cup of Folger's, black with two sugars any day, that's all _I _need. But, he suggested this Hawaiian roast blend that was out of this world! And, he let me order a sandwich, too, I mean, it was my lunch hour and all, but still, he didn't have to do that. I ate in a hurry, and he's all "what's the rush, kiddo?" I told him I really appreciated it, but I had to run--I can't afford to lose my job, yada yada yada...well, he's just laughing. Sure, he can afford to laugh, he just robbed a goddamn mob bank, what does he need with a job, but I'm not so lucky! I tell him this, I'm being real frank with him, you know, and he says, "You know what, kid, you got some fight in ya! I like that. How'd you like to blow off work and go a few rounds in the sack with me?" And I'm like, shocked, I mean, I'm not that kind of girl. On my lunch hour? I'd be late getting back for sure! Not that I wasn't tempted...you wouldn't believe what beautiful eyes he has, it's hard to tell with all that make up on and all, but if you just sit and look at 'em...really beautiful.

So, I say, "No, thanks, Mr. Joker, sir, but I have to decline your kind offer, maybe some other time" and he cracks up. So, he has his driver take me back to work, and I just barely made it on time, but the guy went, like, ninety miles an hour or something, so I did get the clock punched with a couple of minutes to spare. And, again, I think, "I'll never see him again," since I wouldn't put out and all. I figure he can get girls who'll bang him all day long, why bother with me?

But, guess what? Hey, am I boring you? No? You sure you wouldn't rather read your book, looks like you've gotten pretty far with it. I'm not much of a reader, myself. Used to be, when I was a kid, but now, I'm lucky if I can stay awake long enough to watch the news, much less pick up a book...what? Oh, what was I going to say, yeah, uh...kind of lost my train of thought. Oh, I know, I was going to tell you that the Joker showed up at my apartment that night!

Yeah, I mean, talk about persistent! He said he got my last name, which happens to be Anderson, yeah, I'm Andy Anderson, blah, blah, blah, it's a corny name, but you can't do anything about your parent's lame ideas when they name you, can you? My mom says...I'm sorry? Oh, yeah, he got my last name by calling up the bank and asking for me. Now, they're not supposed to give out our last names, but, like I said--persistent! He probably drove 'em crazy until they just gave in. Then he looked me up on the internet, somehow, can you imagine? Why, just anybody can find anybody these days! Kind of scary, when you think about it.

So, the Joker is like, sitting on the front stoop when I get home. I about died! I looked like hell, too, my hair was a mess, all my makeup was rubbed off, although, his wasn't in any better shape, ha ha! I never thought I'd date a guy who wears makeup, I can tell you that. But, I was really embarrassed, plus my apartment is a disaster, I meant to clean it up over the weekend, but...huh? Did I let him _in? _Shoot, yeah, I let him in! I mean, he had a gun and all, not that he needed it, but you know, I figured he didn't come all that way to be sent packing.

I invited him in, real polite, and I offered him some diet Coke, which he said he didn't care for. I guess when you're a criminal mastermind you don't have to worry about calories or something, ha ha, not so for me! So I said I could make him some hot tea, and he said no, just some water would be fine, but I said, no way! I mean, he was _so _nice to me at the bank, what with not shooting me, and then not actually kidnapping me and everything, so I said, look, let me fix you some dinner, ok? And he said, well, if it isn't too much trouble, and I said not at all. So, I made him spaghetti and meatballs. I mean, I used to work in an Italian restaurant before I got the bank job, and I know my way around a marinara sauce, you know?

Well, we ate dinner and chatted, and he's just the smartest guy. He knows something about everything! You know how some people just are interested in all kinds of obscure stuff, he's kind of like that, although he's really got a lot to say about Gotham's political and social conditions. He's real civic-minded, you'd be surprised how much he knows about the mayor, the DA, the Commissioner, just everybody. Even the judges! Of course, when you're a criminal, I guess you kind of pick up on some of that stuff, but he even knows what kind of booze the Commissioner keeps in his desk at his office!! Can you imagine?

Now, and this is where it gets interesting, after dinner, we ended up sitting on the couch together, and we started cuddling. Uh...actually, I don't know if you would call it cuddling, more like he would put his hand on my throat, and I would have to say, "Excuse me, you're kind of making it hard for me to breathe, Mr. Joker", and he would say something really sweet, like, "Oh, sorry babe, didn't mean to squeeze that hard", and before I knew it, he was kissing me! And, oh, man, can that guy kiss! Just...amazing, really. Not that I have that much experience with that sort of thing, but I mean, he obviously knew what he was doing.

So, I'm like, really getting into the kissing thing, he's got his tongue in my mouth and I'm forgetting about that yucky makeup getting all over my face, when the damn phone rings! Well, he didn't even want me to answer it, but I said, "It might be my mother" and he said "I don't give a fucking shit if it's your mother, do not answer that phone" and I said, well, if he wanted to put up with the phone ringing off the wall every five minutes for the rest of the damn evening, that was his business, but I for one didn't enjoy it myself, so he finally said "Fine, answer the fucking phone" and, guess what, it was my mother, of course.

Now, my mom is the best, really a wonderful person, but _DENSE!!!_ The woman _canNOT_ take a hint, I'm telling you. I'm sitting there, trying to nicely get off the phone without saying "Hey, Mom, I have potential boyfriend material here on the couch with me" because then I'd _never_ get rid of her, but she is NOT picking up on my subtle cues that I need to hang up, so the Joker just takes a goddamn knife out of his pocket, leans over, and cuts the phone line! I couldn't believe it! It was SO romantic. He's _such_ a take-charge kind of guy....

Anyway, so I'm like, well, thanks, you just saved me from my mom doing thirty minutes on Aunt Ila's diverticulitis flare-up, and next think I knew, he's picked me up and carried me into the bedroom! Just like a caveman or something! Uh-oh, that's probably TMI, huh? No? _What? _Did we _do_ it? Hell, yeah, we did it! He's the _Joker_, I figured I better take the opportunity while I had it, plus, I didn't want to hurt his feelings or anything. I mean, I already turned him down once that day, I didn't want him to think I didn't like him.

What was it like? Oh, well, that's kind of personal. I should probably keep that to myself, right? No? _Really? _I guess everybody wonders about _that, _I know I did. Now, I wasn't exactly a virgin or anything, but honestly, I haven't been with that many guys, so I can't say if this is all that unusual, but don't you think nine inches is a lot? I mean, that's just an estimate, it's not like I a keep a tape measure in my nightstand or anything, but I have to say, it was a little intimidating.

But, you know, he was so nice about it. I mean, he really was patient when I first started gagging as he...um, well, never mind about that. I'm just saying, he could have been a real jerk about it, but he wasn't. Listen, I was pretty determined to finish what I started, but he finally just said, "That's ok, babe, go ahead and take off your panties, and we'll _both_ have some fun." Now, wasn't that considerate? Thinking of my needs like that? So, yeah, I gave up on blowing him and just took off my clothes like he wanted, and...what's that? You need to hit the can? I don't blame you, these long train rides can be murder. You go ahead, I'll be right here when you get back.

Better? You feeling ok? Gosh, you were gone a long time, I though maybe you had one of those awful stomach bugs. Well, anyway, as I was saying, I just took my clothes off and let him get on top of me, and before I knew it, he was going at it like a rabbit in heat, ha ha. I never had a guy who was so..._focused_, before. He just kept going, on and on, that big old dick of his pumping away...it felt sooo good, and I let him know it, too. I mean, I'm going to let you in on a little secret, I haven't had much luck in the orgasm department with my other boyfriends, you know? But, the Joker...um, I may need to visit the little girls' room myself, excuse me just a minute....

There, that's better, now I can concentrate again. Where was I? Oh, yeah, well, being with the Joker was--_is_--the BEST sex I _ever had_. He's insatiable, too. Listen, if I have an early morning meeting I have to go to, I know I better not let that man stay over the night before, because there is _no way _I'll be getting enough sleep to be able to get up before 7:00 am. And he WILL NOT take no for an answer! Well, to tell you the truth, I don't tell him no very often, I mean, why would I, I like sex as much as the next person, and if you can have a gourmet meal, why settle for McDonald's, am I right? Ha ha, I'm right, aren't I! You know it, dude!

Oh, hey, we're almost to my stop. Boy, this ride just flew by, didn't it? So much more fun when you have someone to talk to. You ride this train every Wednesday? Me, too! Maybe I'll see you again sometime, yeah?

What's that? Is he jealous? No, I don't think the Joker's the jealous type...you'd be surprised, he's a real sweetie, most of the time....why do you ask?

Gosh, you know, I coulda sworn I knew you...I know I've seen you somewhere before, I just can't think where...don't worry, it'll come to me eventually....

Oh, here's my stop, I gotta go. Listen, you have a good evening, ok? It was nice to meet you, and I hope I didn't talk your ear off. Aw, that's nice of you to say. I appreciate it. The Joker's going to be so glad to hear I had such a nice, relaxing ride home tonight, for a change...what was your name, again? Mike?

Ok, Mike, I'll see you around, ok?


	2. Part Two: Nothing to Wear

**A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews!! Since you liked the first one, here's another installment...let me know what you think, pleeeese!!**

**Seditionary**

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_**My Boyfriend, the Joker, pt. 2**_

Ow, _damn_ it....Excuse me, mister? Is that seat taken? Oh, heeey! Hey, there! Long time no see, huh? You're...Mark, was it? No, _Mike!! _Right, Mike, sorry, I'm bad with names, but I never forget a face! Wow, it's been a while, hasn't it? Yeah, I blew off classes the last couple of weeks because of my arm. Yeah, my damn arm's broken. Oh, it sucks! Let me tell you, it's a good thing I'm right handed or I'd be in a lot of trouble at work if I couldn't use my calculator and stuff.

But, you know what, this is _nothing_. You shoulda seen me after it happened--I looked like someone went after me with a damn baseball bat, which is practically what happened...can you see where I had a black eye? Look right here, see? It's almost gone now, but, man, I had quite the shiner. And a split lip, and a bunch of bruises, and I don't know what all else. I was a mess!

Yeah, well, thank you....How'd it happen? Gosh, it's a long story, and to tell you the truth, it's a little embarrassing. Seriously, I hate to tell you what a dummy I was. It was kind of a good thing, though, really, I found out just what a bad judge of character I am, this little incident really opened my eyes. I always thought I had, you know, kind of a sixth sense about people, but, boy, was I ever wrong!

In fact, I really blew it, and I mean big time. What's that? The Joker? Uh...no, I'm still seeing him--why do you ask?...._Oh! _Ooohhh--you think _the Joker _did this to me? Oh, gosh, no! Hey, I'm sorry, you don't know what I'm talking about, do you? You know, I'm bad about that, the Joker always tells me that. "Dammit, babe, I do not have a fucking clue in hell as to what it is that you are talking about," that's what he says to me _all _the _time_. "Give me a little context, will ya, kid?" he says.

Listen, that sweetie-pie never laid a hand on me. Look here, he signed my cast with little x's and o's and a smiley face, isn't that adorable?...Although, if you want to get right down to it, this _was_ kind of his fault. And, boy, does he feel terrible about it, too.

I mean, that's one of the things I love about him, he's so sympathetic with people. I used to date this guy in high school and when I had the cramps, he was such a meanie! But not the Joker, no sir, he really is good about stuff like that. "Hey, babe, you don't look so good, why don't you shut the hell up and go lie down for a little while til you feel better? Don't make me put you out of my misery!" he'll tell me, ha ha! Yeah, he's just the nicest guy! I'm sorry, what? Oh, right, I was going to tell you how it happened.

Uh...gosh, you really want to hear this story? Oh, I hate to tell you. You'll think I'm an idiot. Yes, you will. Yes, you will. And I am. How could I have been so dumb?

Ok, ok. I'm going to tell you, but you have to promise not to laugh. No, promise me. Promise! Ok. You're going to think I'm an idiot, but here goes.

The Joker didn't clobber me.

It was the Batman.

Now, I've been hearing about this guy on the news for the longest time, and I honestly thought he would be a nice person, fighting crime, being a dark knight and all that PR crap, but was I ever wrong. I mean, you go to a classy party, you don't expect some jerk in a bat suit to come crashing in, making a mess and beating you up, am I right? But that's what happened to me, and yeah, I'm _still _pissed about it! Although, like I said, I really was stupid.

Well, let me start at the beginning. See, the Joker usually calls me two, three times a day, just to say hi, see what I'm doing, making sure I'm not screwing some co-worker in the bank vault or anything, just regular boyfriend type stuff, you know? And, just between you and me, I think it's sweet. I mean, he wouldn't do that if he didn't care. So, yeah, I act all annoyed sometimes, but I'd miss those calls if he stopped. Which brings me to how this all started.

I'm at the bank and the day just flies by, and before I know it, it's five o'clock and time to go home. And, suddenly, it occurs to me that the whole day went by, and I haven't heard from him once. Now, that's not too unusual, I mean, a guy gets busy, I understand that, but then I don't hear from him the next day, either.

Now, I'm an old-fashioned kind of girl, and I'm not too likely to go running after a guy, calling him up a hundred times a day, I'm not one of those whiny, needy types, but I have to tell you, I was getting worried. I mean, people get hit by buses, have heart attacks, fall off buildings, stuff like that _all _the _time_, and it's not like the Joker's in a low-risk type of business, right? So, I finally called _him_, and guess what, no answer. So, now I'm practically freaking out, leaving like, fifty messages on his phone and stuff, but I still don't hear from him! And, the next day comes by, and still--not a word!!

So, I'm like debating what to do--it's not as if I can call the cops or anything, ha ha--when there's a knock at my door. So, I get up to answer it, and there's the Joker, acting like nothing's wrong! "Hi, babe, what's shakin'?" he says, all big innocent eyes and that killer smile of his. "What's shaking?" I say. "I'm out of my mind worrying about you, and you have the nerve to ask what's shaking?!" And he starts laughing, just like always.

Well, now I'm mad! I mean, if he's dead it's one thing, but if he blew me off for three days straight, that's just rude. So I say to him, I say, "What's the matter, were your hands broken?" and he says, "No, babe, my phone died", and I'm all like, "Oh, and every pay phone in Gotham is out of order I suppose?" and he says, "No, but I didn't have any change", and I'm like, you're a fucking bank robber and you couldn't come up with a couple of quarters for a phone call?? and he's just like, "Hey, back off, honey, you don't have to get sore about it" and I'm like, _steamed._

You know, I love the guy, but he can be real thoughtless sometimes, it's like he's in his own little world. Like the other day when I had to pay for dinner again because he forgot his wallet. Now, come on, the guy doesn't even OWN a wallet, what kind of lame-ass excuse is that? And I called him on it. I knew he just didn't want to break a hundred dollar bill. He's funny about stuff like that.

But...aw, I don't mean to make it sound like he's cheap. He's not! He can be real generous with people. You take this police officer that works the beat down by Joker's warehouse, I've seen my guy reach into his pocket and hand that cop a wad of bills as big as your fist, just out of the kindness of his heart. He knows cops don't make squat, what with budget cut-backs and all, and the guy has a wife and two kids. That's what I mean, the Joker helps him out all the time and never thinks twice about it! Generous, you know?

Anyway, back to the story, listen, he can be the most charming guy. I mean it, he can be the worst jerk one minute and make you forget all about it the next, he's that good. Now, I know that about him, so I'm like determined not to go soft on him over this phone call thing. I mean, I was worried sick! So, I'm giving him the cold shoulder and all, and he's like, acting all sweet and oblivious. "Come'ere, baby, let me feel you up real good and then we'll watch some TV," like that's supposed to make up for scaring me half to death.

In fact, I'm like, ready to blow him off, and start going out with Roger, my bank manager, or something! But, he puts his arms around me, gives me a big old kiss, and starts telling me he's sorry, he had a lot going on, the mob's put a hit out on him, yada, yada, whatever, and of course, I just melt. So, we end up working it out in the bedroom, just like always, and by the time he's done with me, I really don't care whether he ever uses the phone again or not.

So, we're lyin' there, and we've done it, like, three times in a row, like I told you before he's just freakin' insatiable, so I'm worn out, like I'm nearly falling asleep, when he says, "So, how'd you like to go to a party?" and I'm like, "What, right now?" and he's like, "Yeah, right now", and I'm all "What the _hell?" _

Because, I have to say, I've met a few of his buddies, and let me tell you, I don't ever want to go to one of _their _parties. They all belong in the loony bin if you ask me, I honestly don't know where he finds 'em, but I guess you always hate your boyfriend's pals, don't you?

So, I say, I can barely walk after spending an hour in the sack with you, what the hell do I want to go to a party for, and he's like, it's a real special party, and I need you to go with me, I don't want to go stag, and I'm like what kind of party is it? and he says, it's a real fancy deal, you need to dress up. And I'm like, _dress up? _I don't have anything to wear! And he's just cracking up, like my not having appropriate attire is so damn funny, but he doesn't understand how important that kind of thing is to a girl.

So, after a bunch of arguing back and forth, and him taking out his damn knife, which does NOT scare _me, _but just goes to show you how important this is to him, finally, I say, ok, I guess I can wear the thing I wore to the Christmas party last year. But, it's not really all that nice, and he says to show it to him, so I dig it out of the closet--it's this short little black satin number, it does look good on me, if I do say so myself, and I'm standing there naked, and he says, well, put it on, and I do and he gives this wolf whistle and says, that'll do nicely.

So, then, I say, so what am I supposed to do about shoes, and he's all rolling his eyes like it's a stupid question. Well, maybe you men think you can just throw on any old pair of shoes, but girls can't get away with that, you just can't. They have to be right for the occasion, you know? And all I have are these awful strappy black high heel things that hurt my feet. But, when you have to go to a damn party with five minutes notice, you do what you have to do, so I get myself cleaned up and dressed, and he's all impatient, which pisses me off 'cause I'm doing the best I can, but I finally get myself together and off we go.

So, he drives me out to the Palisades, which is--have you ever been out there? I had to go to some charity thing one time, my boss made me go, and let me tell you, those people have some kind of dough, Porsches and Mercedes are like Fords and Volkswagens around there, so I'm like _freaking out,_ and I say to the Joker, "Sweetheart, who exactly is it that's giving this party?" and he says "Bruce Wayne", and I'm like, "NO _WAY_," and he's like, _"Yes,_ WAY," and I'm going, uh-uh, there is _no way _thatBruce Wayne--Bruce Wayne the _billionaire, _right?--invited you to his party. I'm sorry, the Joker's a nice guy, but it's not like he runs in the hoity-toity social circles, am I right? I mean, I can recognize bull-crap when I see it.

So, he's like cracking up, and he admits that he didn't get a proper invitation, but we're meeting up with some of his pals and kind of crashing the party 'cause he needs to talk to this guy that's supposed to be there. Now, I am not into stuff like that, I do not want to overstep my bounds, but by this point, it was kind of too late, so I'm just thinking, this is going to be embarrassing.

I mean it's bad enough he's wearing the damn makeup to some class affair with the quality, but here we are, not even on the guest list or anything. Well, I took it with pretty good humor, if I do say so myself, because I didn't want to start another fight with Lover Boy there, and I figured, I'll just keep a low profile and get through the evening as best I can, and then I'll give him a piece of my mind when we get home.

Well, it sure didn't work out that way.

First off, the Joker's, like, _armed._ Now, he always has guns and knives and explosives and shit on him, I expect that, but whatever the hell he used to introduce himself with was a little much. I mean, those people had that deer-in-the-headlights look anyway when we came out of the elevator, he didn't have to blow holes in the ceiling to get their attention. But, leave it to him to make a big entrance. He's kind of ham like that, you know.

So, then, he's going around, chatting with people, real nice and friendly, when that bitch Rachel Dawes has the NERVE to start flirting with him! I mean, I was right there! And, of course, he's too polite not to talk with her, so I'm getting steamed, and I'm just about to say something like "Excuse me, Miss Dawes, I beg your pardon, but if you do not remove your goddamn hands off of my goddamn boyfriend, I will have to kick your sorry, Assistant DA ass all the way over to the East Side", when this maniac, Batman, comes crashing in!

Now, there is no call for him to react the way he did, getting into a fistfight with my guy and all, and I'm just losing it, I mean, all he had to do was ask politely that we leave, although I didn't see any damn engraved invitation in _his_ hands, either.

So, naturally, the Joker has to defend himself, I mean, come on, what's he supposed to do, be a big weenie and let the Bat slap him around? So, they're getting all into it, and I'm just getting madder and madder.

All right, now this is where it gets embarrassing. I'm really going to show you what a dumb-ass I am. Don't laugh, ok? You promised, remember?

You have to understand, the Joker's kind of out-gunned, so to speak, where this Batman guy's concerned, and I was really scared for him. So--I took one of my damn high heels off and, like, attacked Batman with it. Oh, yeah, those five-inch tall steel heels are pretty serious weapons when you use 'em right, and I gave that Bat guy such a hit. Now, he's got, like, Kevlar armor or something, but that doesn't mean something like that doesn't smart a bit, and I was on him like a Rottweiler, defending my man, you know?

So, the Batman kind of flinches, and he throws a punch at my face, right in the eye! I mean, what a jerk! But, I'm like, _furious, _so I go back in for another shot at him, so he grabs me and he picks me up and throws me against the wall!! And I mean _hard._ I felt my arm snap when I hit, and I kind of blacked out and I guess I fell on my face, cause when I came to, I had blood all over my mouth and stuff. I don't know how long I was out, but when I woke up, both the Batman and that Rachel bitch were gone, which was fine with me.

And, when I opened my eyes, I saw the Joker was kneeling next to me, all worried and cute, saying, Babe? Babe? You ok, honey? Come on, get your ass up off the floor, we have to get out of here, and my arm was just kind of numb at the time, so he helped me up and we took off out of there.

And, you know, he was so sweet to me, taking me to the hospital, well, I mean, he slowed down _near_ the hospital and I had to kind of jump out and walk up to the emergency room, but you know, that worked out ok because I had already taken off my other shoe by then.

So, what do you think, stupid, huh? My friend, Monica, says I was just trying to defend my boyfriend, it's just what anyone would do, but Batman is, like, a million feet tall, and I don't know what I was thinking. Heat of the moment, and all that, they say you do stuff because of the adrenaline, but I thought it was supposed to help you lift cars off of little kids, not act like an idiot around 900 lb. gorillas like Batman.

But, in spite of everything, I'm not sorry I did it, because the Joker felt so bad, he said he'd never go a whole day without calling me ever again, and really, that's worth just about anything, isn't it?

Oh, look, here's my stop already, wow, that just snuck up on me! Listen, you have a great evening, and I hope you don't think I'm a complete moron, going after Batman like that. Huh? Oh, that's so nice of you to say. You know, I really do feel better after talking about it, I mean, it just goes to show you, people do crazy things when they're in love, and I guess love's nothing to be ashamed of, huh?

Well, bye, now, see you next week, as long as I don't have another run-in with some jerk masquerading as a caped crusader, right? Ha ha! So long, Mike! Oh, I will, you too, see ya!


	3. Part Three: A Terrible Driver

_Da da da da, dancing queen, young and sweeet, whoa-o-o, dancing queeen_....huh? Oh, hey! It's my pal, Mike--Mikey! Heeey, I was wondering where you were, you didn't get on at your usual stop..._HUH? WHAT'S THAT YOU SAY? I CAN"T HEAR YOU! I...._

Oh! Oh, wait a minute, there, that's better, those darn ear bud thingies, it's like trying to pull a cork outta wine bottle, isn't it? Hey, where you been, man, you haven't been around for a couple of weeks...the flu? Oh, wow. That's rough. I hear ya, that's stuff's murder, don't you wish you could just lay down and die? My mom always says...what? This? Oh, yeah, it's an iPod, cool huh? Look, you can watch movies on the darn thing, isn't that incredible? Holds twenty-thousand songs, I bet I couldn't listen to twenty-thousand songs if I did nothing else for the rest of my entire life. I mean, Abba only made so many albums....

You know, my folks were always so tight with the dough, I mean, we had a black and white TV set until I was, like, thirteen or something, can you believe that? Honestly, just getting a new pair of shoes out of my dad was like pulling teeth, so you can imagine how wacky it is for me having a boyfriend like the Joker. Oh, yeah, he spoils me, he really does.

Uh-huh, he got me this crazy thing for my birthday, wasn't that sweet? I said, Now, baby, I don't want you to go spending a lot of money on me, and he said, Well, don't you worry, kiddo, I might be able to wangle a little discount from my pal down at the pawn shop, and, boy, did he ever. I mean, this thing would of cost more than my first car if he bought it new, but he got it for next to nothing! You know, he can just walk into any old store on the east side and walk out with practically anything for a song. Still, though, it was awfully nice of him. He sure does spoil me.

How old am I? Ha-ha, you jerk, you're not supposed to ask a lady her age! But, no, no, I'm just kidding, that's ok. Listen, I'm twenty-four. Yeah, that's getting on up there, isn't it? I mean, thirty's just around the corner! I'll be an old lady before I know it! But, I don't feel any older. In fact, I still feel like I'm fourteen, sneaking out of my bedroom in the middle of the night to go party with my friends! And, you know what? I'm still sneaking out, but now it's to go do laundry.

Yeah, my boyfriend hates to see me doing boring old tasks like that, he says a beautiful gal like me ought not to have to do all that stuff when I could be doing something useful, like servicing him in the sack.

Not that he thinks _he_ should have to do housework either. I mean, ask him to put on a pot of coffee and you'd think you were asking him to sling hash in a cheap diner, but that's just his way. He says life's too short to waste it cooking and cleaning stuff, and I guess he's got a point, but somebody's gotta do it, and I refuse to let him bring his darn henchmen over to clean the house, they'd leave the place in worse shape than it already is.

But, yeah, he does like to spoil me. In fact, it's terrible, the way he wastes money on me! It's silly--heck, I'd do him even if he never spent a dime, but he loves to surprise me with little presents, so what'm I supposed to do?

Oh, I give him hell about it all right. I told him, Joker angel, you really need to think about the future. I mean, take out an IRA or open a low-load equity fund, for crissakes, you're not getting any younger, but oh no, he's all "money's not important" and "I'm a man of simple tastes," yeah, right, blah blah blah, I notice he doesn't mind dropping a few hundred C-notes on a tailor-made shirt now and again, not that I mind him dressing nice, but still. That mob money won't hold out forever, you know.

Yeah, in fact, I told him--oh, wait just a minute, I think my phone's ringing. Damn thing, I can never find it...damn it! I know it's here somewhere, I bet it's him and he has a fit if I don't answer...ah, here it is, whoa, I don't recognize this number, who the heck can it be? Probably some junk call, you know, they're always trying to...hello?

Babe? Is that you? You sound funny. Huh? You're WHAT? Oh, my _God!_ How did _that _happen? You're kidding. You are freakin' kidding me. No, you are FREAKIN" kidding me! I...ok, ok, sorry, I'm listening, go ahead. I said, I'm _listening. _Well, tell me what happened! Uh-huh? Uh-huh. No way. No way. No freakin' way! Uh-huh. Umm. Well, that's ridiculous. Yeah, that's crazy....

Well, what are you gonna _do? _Do you want me to pick you up, or...? Oh. Ok. OK., I _will. _I will....look, I'm still on the train, idiot, how'm I supposed to...fine. No, it's _fine, _I'll just pick up the car and head straight over...no, the cat's fine. The cat's fine. Dammit, THE CAT IS _FINE._

_God, _he's got a whole bowl of dry food...I _know_ he doesn't like it, but if he gets hungry enough, he'll..._OK! _Ok already, I'll give him some goddamn Tabby Cat before I go, sheesh, I thought you wanted me to hurry. And some fresh water, yes, of course, his Highness can't have water that's eight hours old, might give him malaria or something, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok, look, fine, I'll run home, take care of Mr. Muggs, grab the car and come get you. Jeeze, cool your jets, tough guy, I'll be there as fast as I can, just chill...yeah, love ya too, honey, bye, whatever.

Freakin' control freak.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?! The Joker's in_ jail_, and he's worried about the damn flea-bag cat! I would think he'd be a little concerned about the, oh I don't know, BANK ROBBING, but oh, no, the cat might have to eat dry food if I don't run up three flights of stairs and crank open a can of the good stuff! _Man!_

What? Oh, no, it's no big deal. No, they don't even know about all that stuff. Uh-uh, they got him on something else. Traffic violation. Uh-huh, they pulled him over for running a lousy red light, and of course he's got about a million unpaid speeding tickets, so they hauled him in.

Yeah, the Joker's a terrible driver. Oh, you don't know the half of it. No, you can't imagine. You are taking your life in your hands if you get in a car with that one, let me tell you. And, boy, does he think it's hilarious. Listen, I've told him a million times to slow down, and you know what he says? He says, "If my driving bothers ya, babe, do what I do--close your eyes!" Close your eyes. Yeah, right. No thanks, I like to _see_ when death's coming at me, thank you very much.

But, you want to know a little secret? The Joker needs glasses. Yep, I've noticed that he squints at road signs and stuff, and when I tell him I'll set him up with an eye appointment, well, he acts like I'm questioning his manhood or something. I mean, what is it with you men, not wanting to go to the doctor? Really, he could wear contacts if he's worried about looking like a dork, but oh, no. Won't even go for an exam. I'm telling you, if....uh-oh, there goes the phone again.

Hello? Uh-huh? Oh, wow! A _gas_ leak? Blew the whole place up, huh? Gosh, sweetie, are you ok? So, what, they're just gonna let you walk out of there? Really? Well, that's good, you won't have to post bail. You're going to what? Oh, yeah? Aw, well, that's nice of you, babe. Really nice. Ok, well, then you don't need me to pick you up, right? Ok.

Well, I'll have some dinner ready for you when you get home. No, it's no trouble, I have to eat too! What would you like? There's some of that chicken left, I could make some pasta and...oh, rice? Sure, I can do that. Ok. Well, I'll see you later then. Try not to get another ticket, ha ha! Yeah, you know what I'm talkin' about, I'm just kidding. No, I love you, baby, I'm glad it worked out. Ok. Ok. See ya.

Boy, does he have the luck of the Irish or what! Yeah, the darn jail blew up! Can you believe that? So, they're just letting the prisoners leave, guess it's easier than paying the insurance claims. What? Oh, yeah, there's a guy in there from out of town--I think he said he's from China or Asia or someplace--and he doesn't know his way around town, so the Joker's going to help him find a place to stay tonight. That cop friend of his is going to give 'em a lift in his police car, nice, huh? So, at least I don't have to rush off and go back downtown, which is a relief, let me tell you.

Boy, it sure is a three ring circus, dating a guy like the Joker. I tell you, if the sex wasn't so good, I'd dump him for a nice accountant, ha ha, just kidding. No, let me tell you, I've dated my share of accountants and I'll take a nut like the Joker any day. Those guys are crazy.

Well, here's my stop, whew, I'm ready to call it a day! I bet you're glad to get home, being sick and all. Yeah, you should go to the doctor. You really should. Yes, you should. Gosh, you're just as stubborn as my boyfriend, what is it with you guys and doctors? You need to get yourself a girlfriend, she'd make you go, not that I have any luck with _my _guy, but, yeah.

Hey, feel better, ok? What's that? The Joker? Oh, he'll be fine. He was going to take that guy down to the docks, said something about meeting some pals down there who'd take care of him.

Yeah, he can be a pain in the ass, but really, he's just the nicest guy, you know? Always helping people out, even complete strangers. I'm really lucky to have him, all things considered.

Well, bye for now, see you next week! Hope you feel better!

Bye!


	4. Part Four: One Straight Jacket, Size 8

Oh, I'm sorry, that seat's saved. Yeah, it's saved, sorry. That's why my bag's there, yeah. No, really, it's _SAVED_, jeeze! You know, _saved? _For somebody _else? _Hey, there's a seat open down there, come on, buddy, give me a freakin' break, will ya? That's right, get a clue, huh? Sheesh.

Oh, hey, Mike! Mikey! Come'ere! Yeah, right here, I saved a seat for you. Sure, I was hoping you'd show up, how you doing? Feeling better? That's good, you look better. Me? Oh, I'm a basket case. Yeah, I'm a freakin' nervous wreck. Look at my fingernails! Down to the quick, yeah, I do that when I'm nervous, the Joker always says he's going to chop 'em off for me if I don't quit, but he can talk, he doesn't know the meaning of the word "freaked out." And it's all his fault anyway!

Listen, after last night, you could just check me into the loony bin, I wouldn't say a word about it. Not one darn word--in fact, at this point? I just might do it myself. I could use a nice dose of thorazine, or how about a barbiturate cocktail, you know what I'm saying? Fit me for a size 8 straight jacket, no starch please! No, but seriously, you wouldn't believe what I've been through the last few days, I'm just a bundle of nerves. I mean, I almost miscounted a change order at the bank, that's how upset I've been.

What happened? Oh, God, you don't want to hear it. No, you don't, it's a mess. Uh-uh. It's insane, and you've got better things to do than listen to my soap opera. It's crazy stuff, I can tell you that much. What, you mean you _do? Really? _Are you sure? Ok, then, I'll lay it on ya, but you won't believe me anyway. I don't know why anybody would, it's just...unreal.

I took the Joker home to meet my parents.

I know, I know, that doesn't sound too bad, does it? You'd think taking your sweetie-pie home to meet Mom and Dad would be a _happy_ occasion, but you haven't met my dad. Oh, my God, that man is one tough customer. Listen, he was regular army, a career guy for like thirty years, he still has a crew cut! Well, suffice to say, he HATES long hair on guys. Absolutely HATES it. He always says to me, "Sugar, if you ever bring home a fellow with long hair, I'll meet him at the door with a shotgun." That's what he says, ever since I was a little kid, can you imagine? Like that's the worst thing. Hey, Pops, try having your baby date a friggin' _bank robber _some time, see how you like THAT, huh? Jeeze, he doesn't know the half of it, but heaven forbid a boyfriend of mine should have long hair.

Now, I happen to like long hair on guys. Oh, I might prefer that it not be _green_, and maybe that it gets washed once every few months or years or something, but yeah, I like my guy's hair, I think it's really cute. But, I knew better than to take him home to meet my Pop looking like that, never mind the makeup and weaponry and such.

And, honestly, I don't think it would have ever occurred to the Joker to ask, he's not real big on family as far as I can tell, until he ran into my dad by accident.

Oh, talk about nerve wracking. Listen, the Joker's a nice guy and all, but you tell him not to do something? He's just like a little kid. Next thing you know, he's gonna be in the big middle of doing that very thing. Once, I told him to stay out of my underwear drawer because I...huh? Oh, yeah, now what was I talking about? Right, the Joker meeting my dad.

Well, this all got started last Sunday morning. I thought it was going to be a really nice quiet day, but boy was I wrong about that. Us lovebirds woke up and were, well, you know, "getting friendly" in the sack, ha ha, and it was really great, I mean, he hardly left any bruises at all this time, which was a relief 'cause summer's almost here, and afterward, I was just thinking about putting on a pot of coffee when the freakin' doorbell rang!

At first, I thought it might be a couple of those missionary folks, trying to make people feel bad about not being in church, well, sorry guys, when you're having a roll in the hay with the Joker, you've got bigger things to worry about, so, I didn't even bother to get up at that point.

But then, guess what, I hear my dad yelling "Andrea!"--he always calls me Andrea, that or Andy-Pandy, you know, like a panda bear? That's his pet name for me, for some reason--and I just about died. Really, I could feel my heart beating about a million times a minute, and my blood absolutely ran cold. I had _totally_ forgotten my dad was going to stop by to fix my air conditioner.

Yeah, the damn air conditioner in my bedroom broke. Listen, the maintenance guy for my apartment is such a loser, he won't come around for _weeks_ after you call. I mean, you could drown in a vat of sewage before he'd bother to grace you with a gosh-darn plunger, so when my a/c went out, I called my dad. He can fix anything with a motor, he's got the magic touch or something.

Not so the Joker--mind you, he's a whiz at rigging up explosives or putting together an AK-47 out of leftover car parts and stuff, but fixing things? I'm telling ya, don't bother asking, he won't turn a wrench on a bet. Why, one time the vacuum cleaner started making a racket, and I asked him to see what was wrong with it, and he threw it out the window! "I think it's broken," he says after I look at it spread across the sidewalk in about five million little pieces. "You think?" I said, I mean I was pretty sarcastic with him because that damn vacuum cost about $89.98, it's not like it was a cheap piece of crap or something.

Anyway, so I'm screaming at him to get his clothes on and get the heck out of there, scoot out onto the fire escape or whatever, I mean, he can break into a mob bank, you'd think he could figure out a way to hightail it out of a girl's third-floor apartment, but he's just sitting there in the bed with this helpless look on his face, and excuse me for saying this, not one stitch of clothes on. Yeah, I mean, all I need is for my dad to see the Joker's bare ass in my bed on a Sunday morning, he'd have a darn stroke or something. He isn't a spring chicken anymore you know. And the Joker's all innocent and, like, "What? I thought we were having coffee," as if he didn't get it. He can be the most infuriating man sometimes, you wouldn't believe it.

So, now I'm running into the living room, throwing on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt as I go, 'cause, knowing my dad, if I don't answer the door in a timely manner, he'd figure I was dead and break it down, so I'm like yelling, "Get dressed already!" And the Joker starts laughing, just cracking up. And I'm like, "What the HELL is so funny?" and he says, "You're not giving me a chance, I think your dad would like me if he got to know me," and I'm like, boy, are you ever mistaken there. But, I'm trusting him to help me out, you know, cooperate a little for once, so I just hope for the best and open the door and there's my Pop with his tool kit and a pissed-off look on his face.

"What the heck took you so long?" he asks. Now, I am the WORST liar. Well, I mean, I'm _bad_ at it, not that I do it a lot. So, I'm stammering something about being in the bathroom, and Dad's dead-set on heading to my bedroom to tackle the stupid air conditioner and I'm absolutely freaking out, so I kind of throw myself in front of him and say I need to pick up a few things, just give me a minute, and he's all impatient, but says, ok, just hurry up 'cause Mom's waiting on him to go to brunch and she wants me to go, too.

So I dash back to the bedroom, hoping against hope that Lover Boy had done the disappearing act, but, sorry, no. Not only was he still there, but he was all dressed up like a _nurse. _

Now, don't get me wrong, I appreciate the effort. He really was trying to help, bless his heart, but to be honest, he does NOT wear women's clothes well. Not that he does it all that often, but really, he's got these skinny, hairy little bird legs and don't get me started on the cheap wig, well, let's just say it's just not a good look for him. And, of course, he _would _just keep wearing his crazy socks, so it doesn't even make sense. Here I am, once again losing my mind, and I'm screeching at him, "What the freaking hell do you think you're doing?" and he's just laughing.

"I'm going to visit a sick friend in the hospital later on, so I got this outfit as a gag to cheer him up!" he says. He tells me the guy had a little accident and'll probably sustain some facial scarring, well, you know the Joker's real empathetic about that, I mean, he knows a thing or two about what it's like to have people stare at you when you walk by, you know, people can be so rude. So, I know his friend will really appreciate his effort to lighten up the situation and all, but does he have to dress up in drag while my Pop's in town?

"I thought you'd like it, babe, no way will your dad know who I am!" he says as he puts the face mask over his mouth. Well, normally I'd be on the floor laughing at the idea, it's not like he was exactly hard to recognize, but I have to say, my parents really are clueless about stuff that goes on in Gotham. You know, they moved to Scarsdale about twenty-five years ago and never looked back, they couldn't care less about what goes on in the city as long as I check in with them every twenty minutes or whatever. What can I say, they're a little over-protective, but that's just their way.

So, anyway, my dad won't wait any longer and he comes marching in and stops in his tracks when he sees the Joker in his nurse get-up. Now, fortunately, he can't see worth a darn, what IS it with you men and doctors, he won't get his vision checked either, so he's all of a sudden all charming because he thinks there's a strange woman in the room. I guess he used to be quite the lady's man back in the day, and he was really laying it on thick. "And who is your attractive friend?" he asks me.

Now, my heart has stopped, yeah, _completely stopped_, and I'm going on auto-pilot. I tell him this is my neighbor stopping in to bring me something for my cramps, mention your period and my dad just turns green, so I'm trying to take the opportunity to hustle Nurse Joker out of the room, but oh no, he won't budge. In fact, he takes the darn face mask off! So, Pops is peering at him, obviously he can make out the over-done makeup now, and my precious boyfriend's telling him--oh, and he's using this fake-girl voice, yuck--he works on the children's ward and that today is the day he does a clown routine to make the little darlings laugh. So my dad's all "that's really wonderful, what a nice thing to do, I wish more people would give of themselves," blah blah blah, and in between freaking out I'm, like, ready to throw up from all the fake sweetness the two of 'em are pouring on each other. I mean, I thought, "what have I done to deserve this," but little did I know that it was about to get a lot worse.

So, the Joker is finally bored and makes like he's going to haul his uniform-clad ass out of there, much to my relief, but at the last minute, my dad roars, "ANDREA! WHAT THE _HELL_ IS _THIS??!" _and he's holding up a pair of the Joker's underwear. Thanks for being a slob, sweetheart, it's not like I have a laundry hamper _right in the bathroom_ or anything. So, both of us are, like, frozen for a second, and I just dissolve into tears, and the damn Joker is totally _roaring_ with laughter, and I just wanted to strangle him, you know, but my dad is like, going ballistic.

So, Mr. Helpful in the dress goes, "Andrea! I'm _shocked! _Have you been entertaining men in your bedroom?!" And I'm shooting daggers at him with my eyes, and my dad's like, waiting for a serious answer, and I just don't even know what to say. And Pop says, "Yes, Andrea, have you?" And I'm ready to sink into the carpet, when my hero says, "Aw, come on Andy, 'fess up. Why don't you tell your dad you have a boyfriend?" And Dad's looking at me, still holding the underwear, and I say, "Well, yeah."

And Pop says, "You DO? Why haven't you told your mother?" and I'm thinking, of _course, _I would _love_ to tell my mother I'm dating a criminal, but I just haven't gotten around to it yet, when the Joker pipes up, "Maybe you should see if your folks would like to meet him?" And, honest to God, if I'd of had a brick handy, I would have bashed the cute little bastard's brains in, but instead my dad goes, "That's a wonderful idea!"

And I'm like, what?

Pop says, "Sure, your mom and I would love to meet him! Why don't you bring him over for dinner Tuesday night, Mother will make a nice meal and we'll get to know your young man!" Right, that's juuust peachy. So, I'm making all kinds of excuses, oh, he works late sometimes, I've got yoga on Tuesdays, yada, yada, and he just turns all commanding officer on me and says "Now, listen here, young lady, I will NOT take no for an answer! Tuesday night at nineteen hundred hours, do NOT be late!" and he sets to work on the a/c unit and I'm just a blubbering idiot by this time.

And the Joker grins, and says, "Hey, walk me to the door, will ya?" and I'm, you know, numb, I'll do just about anything anybody tells me at this point, so I follow him to the door and he has the nerve to kiss me goodbye. I say to him, I say, "You are so dead", and I hear him laughing all the way down the stairwell.

Gosh, you know, my hands are sweating just talking about all this, I think I need a coffee. You want to stop and get something real quick while I finish telling you all about it? Naw, I'm not in any hurry to get home, my boyfriend's working late tonight. Great, let's get off at the next stop, I think there's a diner or something on the corner, and I'll pick up where I left off, ok?

Ok, here we go!

* * *

**A/N: Sorry to cut it off right here, but it would be too long for one chapter. More next time! Thanks for reading! (And, reviews are deeply appreciated! Thanks!)**

**Seds**


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